Wednesday, May 23, 2018

The Privilege is Mine - 1987

Take me out tonight/ Where there's music and there's people/ Who are young and alive./ Driving in your car/ I never, never want to go home...

The start of the academic year, UCLA, my first semester living on campus; a crazy cute blonde sk8r, 2nd year, rich as all hell, pursuing me. (Fuck, yeah, but why?) Comes round my dorm to give me the Smiths' The Queen Is Dead, and my subsequent devotion is perfunctorily timeless, ageless, doting. As she plays "There Is a Light That Never Goes Out" and says how it reminds her of me, resistance is futile; it is the ultimate song of romance. We listen to the album and the song over and over, wrapped in each other's arms – the sublimity of our relationship: long lunches on the lawns ("I don't have to go to class, do you?"), evenings in my room, nights in Hollywood - Lhasa, Lingerie, Seven Seas, Ben Franks all hours. Inspired by Meat is Murder we venture into vegetarianism, but can't, burgers, after all, chili dogs.

Sorrowfully, the relationship doesn't last. Having secured my affections, her interest wanes, she loses respect. Took me home to Malibu. Swam out so far, couldn't touch bottom (not a strong swimmer), tangled in the kelp forest, laughs - at me; start of the end. Puts me down, pushing changes, noting imperfections: my clothing all wrong; my face too spotty; my laugh too loud. I am possessive and fear others. 

I arrange to meet her at Ship's, to tell her it isn't working (always be the one to break it off - have I tried this before?). Foolishly I weaken ("I love you"). Two days hence, she dumps me. I am devastated, withdrawn, for shit. I send her notes, leave her messages, buy her things. Make a mixed tape - the songs we listened to - Heaven 17, New Order, Siouxsie.  Two weeks later, I find out that she borrowed The Queen Is Dead from a girl down the hall and never gave it back. "This is mine" (girl down the hall). "Don't care. Keeping it." ("Asshole.") Still have it.

Called her. Message on machine. "'I know it's over.'" 

If a double-decker bus
Crashes in to us,
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die...